THE DAY I THOUGHT I LOST YOU

It was like any other morning, a quick tidy of the house before I would be off to the studio for my daily dose of endorphins. I was peeing with my cousin on the phone (we’re close like that) when I realized I was bleeding.

At first I was calm. Home alone, I quickly processed all the possible reasons I could be bleeding and unruffled, laid in bed. Some may say my first mistake was googling, bleeding at 7 weeks pregnant, but, Google had nothing to tell me I didn’t already know.

I remember on week 3, day 0 my feelings were joy and excitement. I called my sister first. I wanted to buy you something that day, something that would make you real but I talked myself out of it. “It’s early Amanda, just hold tight.”

Week 4, day 4 was a little different. I woke up staring at my husband and we both felt down. We knew things were going to change and although you are something we’ve been waiting on for 2.5 years, we still felt unsure. “You’re fine Amanda, feel all the feelings, it’s the right time to be a mama.”

Week 5, day 5 is when I saw you for the first time. It wasn’t a magical moment, as some would expect. You were a black blob and they called you a healthy yoke sac. I didn’t feel pregnant so it was hard to monger up the motherly feelings I thought I should be having. I just felt in limbo, somewhere between girl and woman.

Week 5, day 6 I spring-cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, some call it nesting but if that’s the case, I’ve been nesting my whole life. I prepared you a room and although I didn’t put anything in it, this made me feel more like your mama.

Week 6, day 5 when the cramps got worse and before I left for the doctor, lying in bed I placed my hands on my belly and begged you to stay. “Please stay baby. I am going to love you and be a good mama. I promise to stop complaining about my pregnancy acne, this exhaustion and the mood swings. I promise to stop craving wine and coffee and sugar. I’ll stop pushing it so hard at the gym and I’ll eat more vegetables. Please. Just. Stay.”

The doctor couldn’t explain why there was so much blood.

Week 6, day 5 is also the first time I saw your heart beat. It was irregular and kept coming and going. The doctor didn’t have to tell me what she was thinking because her face said enough.

Week 6, day 5 I can’t stop crying.

Week 6, day 5 I try to understand why.

Week 6, day 5 the doctor told me to go home and rest. So I’m resting… if you can call this resting. And I’m waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

They say not to tell people you’re pregnant until after week 12 because that’s when the risk of miscarriage decreases and initial fetal testing is complete. This is when they say it’s safe to share your baby news.

To each their own.

Week 6, day 5 is the day I’m sharing my baby news, both my pregnancy and my miscarriage.

After I left the doctors office I went home to rest that day. My husband left work early and we spent the afternoon taking a nap and watching movies. Towards early evening my discomfort transitioned from cramping to pain. It began constant and then increased to waves of intensity. The blood turned from brown to heavy red and for two hours I cried in pain - and in grief as you decided you couldn’t stay.

On week 6, day 5, the day I thought I lost you, I did.

I know no other way than to share any and all things that define my life. This is no different. Silencing the moments that are taboo or dark only awaken solitude and by sharing instead, my connectedness to all of you simply deepens.

And truth is, some wounds heal faster when exposed.